


Secret

by triste



Category: Hikaru no Go
Genre: Angst and Humor, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-11-21
Updated: 2012-11-21
Packaged: 2017-11-19 05:02:27
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/569401
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/triste/pseuds/triste
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hikaru makes a confession.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Secret

Title: Secret  
Author: Triste  
Fandom: Hikaru no Go  
Pairing: Akira/Hikaru  
Rating: PG-13  
Status: Complete  
Disclaimer: Not mine

~~

It was nearly one 'o' clock in the morning when Touya woke up. His cell phone was ringing insistently, and he groaned when he saw the caller ID.

"Touya!" Shindou's voice shouted down the other end after he'd picked up. "You're there!"

"Of course I am," sighed Touya. "Whose number do you think this is? More importantly, what's wrong? It can't be an emergency. You sound too happy for that."

"Isumi-san said to call you," Shindou reported. "He says you have to come and collect me."

"He did? Where are you right now?"

"In a bar somewhere."

"And where is somewhere?"

"I dunno. Somewhere. Here, Isumi-san wants to talk."

There were muffled noises in the background before Isumi's voice replaced Shindou's. He gave a brief explanation along with directions, and Touya resigned himself to missing out on decent sleep just because Shindou was apparently too drunk to go home on his own. It was a mystery as to why Shindou had been drinking in the first place considering how much he hated alcohol, but Touya did as he'd been asked and called a cab.

It didn't take long for him to find Shindou once he arrived. He was currently in the middle of what appeared to be a staring match with Waya while a bemused Isumi looked on.

"Ah!" growled Shindou. "You're going cross-eyed on purpose to put me off! That's against the rules!"

"What are you talking about?" scoffed Waya. "There *are* no rules! You just have to do whatever it takes to win!"

They scowled at each other darkly and then threw their arms into the air with a simultaneous "ALL RIGHT!" before knocking back the rest of their drinks. Isumi's expression was one of great relief when he spotted Touya, and Touya couldn't help feeling sorry for him. Isumi seemed to be the only sober member of the group.

"Tou~ya!" sang Shindou, his face lighting up like a Christmas tree. "You came!"

"I did," Touya agreed. "Get your jacket. I'm taking you home."

He'd expected resistance but Shindou was surprisingly docile, albeit rather unsteady on his feet when he stood up. He let Touya support him as he waved goodbye to Waya and Isumi and together, they made their way toward the exit. The cab driver was still waiting where Touya had left him, but Shindou refused to get into the car.

"It's a nice night," he insisted. "Let's walk."

"*Can* you?" said Touya, arching an eyebrow, and Shindou wrinkled his nose.

"Sure I can. I can do anything when I put my mind to it."

Touya doubted that but he paid the driver anyway, watching as he drove off while Shindou leaned against him heavily. Shindou proved that he was indeed capable of walking, although his pace was somewhat slower than it would have been otherwise, and Touya voiced the question that had been on his mind since he'd awoken.

"Why were you drinking? Please don't tell me it was because you had nothing more constructive to do, otherwise I might have to abandon you right here and now."

"I had two reasons," said Shindou, holding up four fingers. "The first is that it's a full moon. You have to drink sake under a full moon, right?"

"You were in a bar," Touya pointed out dryly. "You couldn't even see the sky from where you were sitting."

"Don't worry about the little details," Shindou said dismissively. "Anyway, it's all Waya's fault. I was happy enough with my pineapple juice, but then he called me a pansy that couldn't hold his drink. Ha! As if. I totally showed him. I drank lots of alcohol!"

"How much?"

"A full glass! But then Isumi-san switched the booze back for juice when he thought I wasn't looking."

A sensible decision, Touya thought. Not that it had helped; the damage had already been done.

"Damn, I hate drunks," groused Shindou, either unaware of his own condition or simply feeling the need to make random complaints. "I hate bars, too. I've had guys hitting on me all night long. Did Waya write something stupid on my forehead to attract them or do I really look that desperate?"

"You look drunk," said Touya. "Maybe that's why. Some people have no morals. You should be grateful Isumi-san was there to look out for you in a place like that."

"Isumi-san had girls hanging over him," mused Shindou. "Girls love Isumi-san, but not me. Isumi-san gets the girls, I get the guys, but Waya doesn't get anybody. No wonder he's always going on about needing to get laid."

Touya frowned as Shindou snickered. "It's not something to laugh about. You could have gotten involved in a potentially dangerous situation."

"It's okay," breezed Shindou. "I'm used to dealing with drunken men. I deal with Kawai-san all the time when he's wasted. I even had to deal with Ogata-sensei once."

"You've seen Ogata-san drunk before?"

"At a seminar, a few years ago. He was drunk, I challenged him to a game, he invited me to his room. It was like something out of a soft porn movie." Shindou's grin faded suddenly and he added very softly, "Come to think of it, that was the last night we spent together."

"You and Ogata-san?" asked Touya, and Shindou gave him a funny look.

"No, silly. Me and Sai."

That was unexpected. Sai was a name that Shindou never mentioned, not even to Touya, and he knew Shindou better than anyone. He had always assumed Shindou's many mysteries would remain unsolved, at least until the promised "someday" came, but while Touya would have loved to get an answer to the most-asked question by Net Go enthusiasts around the world, he didn't think Shindou should be revealing Sai's true identity, or whatever link there was between them in his current state. He wanted the truth, naturally, but he was also willing to wait for it. Shindou guarded his secrets fiercely for a reason, and until he was ready to reveal them, Touya would let him keep his privacy.

"Let's keep going," he said, noticing that they'd both come to a stop, but Shindou didn't move.

"You don't want to know?" he asked. "About Sai, I mean. And me."

"Of course I want to know," replied Touya, "but not right now."

"I want to tell you," said Shindou, actually pouting. "Won't you listen?"

"Shindou, you're drunk. You probably don't even know what you're saying."

"I know what I'm saying and I'm going to tell you!"

"And I told you, I don't want to know. Not yet."

It was faintly ridiculous, Touya realised, how they'd come to be in the middle of what Ichikawa called their grade school fights, even with Shindou inebriated and him trying to be chivalrous and considerate, but it didn't stop Shindou from being his typically stubborn self.

"I'm telling you!"

"No you're not!"

"I am!"

"You're not!"

"I'm telling you and that's that!"

"No you're -"

"SAI WAS A GHOST!"

There was dead silence. Touya blinked. "I... beg your pardon?"

"Sai was a ghost," Shindou repeated, quieter than he had been before.

"A ghost," said Touya.

"Yeah. A ghost."

That settled it. The alcohol really had gone to Shindou's head. That was the only way Touya could rationalise his outburst.

"He was a ghost," Shindou murmured, raising his ever-present fan and cradling it against his chest. "He haunted me for nearly three whole years. Sai was the one who taught me how to play go. He was my best friend." A silly grin spread over his face. "He was my prettiest friend! He was my best friend and my teacher and my own personal cheerleader rolled into one!"

"I see," said Touya, deciding to act along.

"He liked airplanes and vending machines and fish tanks," Shindou went on. "They didn't have any of those when he was alive. He was from the Heian era, you know. They didn't even have game clocks back then. Everyone grew their hair down to their feet and wore silly hats. That was the fashion."

"Really," said Touya, now firmly convinced that Shindou had lost his ability to tell the difference between fantasy and reality, but then that was the power of alcohol, he presumed.

"Sai taught me how to play go, but he also taught me other things," said Shindou. "It wasn't just about how to move the pieces around. He taught me how to control my emotions. I was really bad at that in the beginning, always getting intimidated. Sai scared me, too. He acted like a five-year-old sometimes, but whenever he got serious... Well he was scary."

"And how did you overcome that?" asked Touya, humouring him.

"We had swordfights on a giant go board!" Shindou jabbed the tip of his fan into Touya's face for emphasis. "It was shiny and there were flashing lights and Sai was always slicing me in half. He taught me to turn my fear into courage, and to go forth!"

"Yes, yes, I understand." Touya gently pushed the fan away before Shindou could poke his eyes out with it. "When you weren't studying go, you were busy practising the way of the samurai."

"You've got it all wrong," Shindou argued. "Mitani was a samurai, I was a monk."

"I’m sure you were," said Touya, and Shindou stared at him thoughtfully.

"Want to know another secret?" He leaned up and whispered into Touya's ear, "I'm actually not a Shuusaku obsessive."

"You're not? But -"

"I know, I know, it's what everyone says. Yashiro calls me the official Shuusaku geek. Kurata-san calls me the Shuusaku calligraphy expert. Waya calls me Shuusaku's great defender, but you know what? I don't even *like* the guy that much."

It didn't make any sense, but Touya was still curious. "Then why did you get so passionate at the Hokuto Cup? Why were you so determined to defeat Ko Yongha? Wasn't it because you thought he was looking down on Shuusaku?"

"It's not that he was looking down on Shuusaku," said Shindou. "It's that he was looking down on *Sai*. I wasn't the only person he haunted. Back in the Edo era he also haunted Shuusaku. Well, Torajirou. That was his old name, before he changed it and let Sai play his games for him."

"You're telling me Shuusaku didn't play his own games?"

"Damn right. Sai played every single one of them. Torajirou was smart, unlike me. I was too dumb to realise Sai's genius for what it really was, but he saw it. He let Sai play all the games he wanted, and I... I didn't. I was selfish. I didn't want to let Sai play, so he left. I always thought we'd be together forever, but then he had to go and disappear."

Shindou's earlier cheerfulness had faded and now he was entering the morose stage, as he glowered miserably at nothing in particular.

"Sai loved Torajirou, more than me at least. He was always, 'Blah, blah, blah, Torajirou was so kind, blah, blah, blah, Torajirou was so clever, blah, blah, blah, Torajirou was the best thing since cup ramen.' Stupid, *perfect* Torajirou. I bet he was the type who helped old ladies across the street and got straight A's in school. Bastard."

"You sound like a jealous wife," Touya remarked, trying to reign in his amusement.

"But it's not fair!" whined Shindou. "I don't even see Sai in my dreams anymore. What's up with that? Even those Tanabata lovers get to meet each other once a year. Stupid God. He never gives me what I want. But anyway, you're here. You're not going to disappear on me, right?"

"Right," said Touya, patting Shindou indulgently on the arm. "I won't disappear."

"Good. We'll get married, have some kids, get a dog, buy a nice car and win a few titles." Shindou shook a fist at the sky and shouted, "Take that, Torajirou! You could never have sex without Sai watching, but I can! Sucks to be you, doesn’t it?"

Touya didn't think he wanted any more explanations and so he simply concentrated on getting Shindou back to his apartment in one piece. Shindou would sleep the alcohol off, go back to normal in the morning, and both of them would forget about the bizarre conversation they'd had the night before.

Shindou grew more subdued the closer they drew to their destination. He appeared to be lost in his own thoughts, muddled as they likely were, and Touya had to call his name more than once before Shindou realised they were standing outside his front door.

"Shindou, your keys," Touya prompted.

"In my pocket," Shindou mumbled, and Touya fished them out. Shindou probably wouldn't have been able to undo the lock himself in any case, although he did succeed in kicking his shoes off without falling over in the process when Touya let them into the apartment.

Touya flicked the hallway light on, making Shindou wince at the brightness of its glare, and he steered him to the bedroom. "You can handle the rest on your own, right?" he said, but Shindou grabbed his wrist before he could pull away.

"There's one last secret I have to share with you," he declared, moving with a speed that took Touya by surprise and hooking his arms around Touya's neck, falling back onto the mattress and pulling Touya down on top of him.

"Shindou," Touya tried to say, but he got shushed before he could finish his sentence. Shindou stared up at him, eyes bright and intent, and Touya felt his breath catch in his throat at the sight.

"I'm in love with you," whispered Shindou, laying a palm against Touya's cheek.

"You're drunk," Touya told him flatly.

"But I'm not lying." Shindou stroked his thumb gently against the corner of Touya's mouth. "There. I've told you everything. I don't have anything left to hide." Then he smiled, soft and inviting. "Touya..."

"Shindou, no," said Touya, but it was difficult to sound firm when his voice was shaking.

"*Yes*," said Shindou, and it was more of a moan than a spoken word as he pinned Touya with his heavy gaze.

"Stop being unreasonable," Touya ordered hoarsely. "I only have so much self-control."

"You don't need any," soothed Shindou. "It's okay. I'll let you do whatever you want."

"Now you're being unfair."

"I'm being *generous*. There's a difference."

"There is no difference when it's nothing more than foolish recklessness."

"I don't care. Didn't I say so already? You can have anything you like." Shindou lowered his lashes flirtatiously and traced his index finger over Touya's lower lip. "A-ny-thing."

"Anything?" said Touya, and Shindou nodded. "In that case, you'll let me walk out of this room so you can come back to your senses. Good night, Shindou."

"No!" Shindou's free hand fisted into Touya's shirt in panic. "Don't leave. You promised..."

"I never promised anything," Touya stated.

"You said you wouldn't disappear!" Shindou cried plaintively.

"And I won't. I'm telling you good night so that I'll see you again tomorrow. Let me go, Shindou."

But Shindou did the exact opposite by curling his arms around Touya's shoulders and lifting his legs to wrap around his hips, holding onto him tightly. "I know I'm being unfair," he said, strained and desperate against Touya's ear. "I know I'm being selfish and childish and whatever else you feel like calling me, but I don't want to have any regrets. Not with you."

"You'd regret sleeping with me on a whim."

"A whim? Damn it, how many years do you think I've been obsessing over you?"

"Then why now? Why tonight?"

"Because I'm tired of being a coward. Because I'm tired of running away whenever I don't want to face something. Because I'm tired of being alone."

"Shindou," Touya said softly, "whoever or *whatever* Sai was, it doesn't matter. Just don't make me take his place. Don't use me as a substitute."

"I won't," said Shindou, and he was crying now. "I made my decision a long time ago. If I hadn't started to chase after you, Sai would still be here. I chose you over him. That's how important you are to me. Shouldn't that mean something?"

"It does," Touya assured him. "You're important to me, too."

"You only want me for my go," Shindou muttered sulkily, sounding almost like his old self. "I couldn't even get you to have sex with me. It's not like there's a pervert voyeur in the room anymore. Poor Torajirou. He probably died a virgin."

"You're rambling again." Touya broke free from Shindou's grip and took a handkerchief out of his pocket, wiping Shindou's tears with it. "Stop crying. Get some sleep. If it really means that much to you, I'll stay. You keep the spare futons in the linen closet, right?"

"Yeah." Shindou looked away, adding awkwardly, "Sorry for causing so much trouble."

"I'll scold you in the morning, assuming you even remember this." Touya made to stand up but Shindou's voice made him pause.

"You'll be here when I wake up, won't you?" asked Shindou. "You won't take off while I'm asleep?"

"I'll be there," said Touya. "So will your hangover, undoubtedly."

"We'll play lots of go, okay?"

"Of course."

"And we'll also have lots of sex. Don't let me suffer the same fate as Torajirou."

"I'll consider it. Go to sleep, Shindou."

And Shindou did, keeping his eyes open as long as he could to watch Touya. When he finally did fall asleep, Touya bent down to pick up the fan that had fallen to the floor earlier and placed it carefully next to Shindou's pillow. After that there was nothing else left to do except wait for when the morning came.

 

End.


End file.
